The Problem With Beauty Is It’s Never Enough | Caiti Quatmann | Poetry Contest 2nd Place Winner - Spring 2025

one summer, my cousin came back from college & said i had grown into a beautiful girl. i remember because i was peeling the skin off a clementine, sinking my nails too deep, the bitter rind bleeding onto my fingers, & he said it like he was handing me a prize, like i had won something that could never belong to me.

i thought about this later, in the mall bathroom, pressing my palms against the counter, staring at my face while my best friend reapplied her lip gloss. she told me i was lucky, that boys liked a pretty girl who didn’t know it. she said this like i should thank god for my cluelessness.

i have only ever wanted to be a person with hands that do things, like play the bass in a garage band, even if i never learn chords, or fix a bike chain without cursing, or rip the plastic off a cassette & rewind it with the tip of my pinky.

the problem with beautiful is that it’s never enough, so i learned how to disappear. took up space in the margins. learned the precise moment to slip into the chorus of a song so it felt like i had been singing all along.

i would rather be a question no one can answer, or the feeling that hits when you hear the first notes of a song you forgot you loved. be a clever remark that lingers too long after the party ends, be the last person standing at a show, sweat-soaked & breathless, hands still reaching for the air long after the music is gone.

i want to be the moment before the lights come on, before someone asks if you need a ride home, before the night ends & we all have to remember how to exist again.

let me be anything but beautiful.

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Caiti Quatmann (she/they) is a disabled and queer writer residing in St. Louis. She is the author of three poetry collections and Editor-in-Chief for HNDL Mag. Her work is forthcoming or appearing in McSweeney’s, Rattle, Neologism Poetry Journal, North Dakota Review, The Bitchin’ Kitsch, Thread, and others. Find her on social media @CaitiTalks.