Honestly, The Entire Thing is Just Beginning To Be So Exhausting - Nicolina Schonfarber

The keeping up with the Kardashian’s. Or who Im disappointing and why

Or why I let myself continuously reinvent myself into these Disappointments.

Why I allow myself to tell myself I’m disappointing

Why I’m not smart

Or witty

Why my hair color isn’t alright anymore.

Why I can’t smoke cigarettes only because they disappoint my lungs,

Or my mouth as it breathes—

As it speaks

as it constantly quivers.

Why I allow my mouth to constantly quiver.

Why I have to be perfect or

why— when I’m not, am I a disappointment?

When did I stop being poignant?

When did I stop being sweet?

When did I become violent in wanting so badly to be timid,

And why did I want so badly to be timid?

When did I stop?

And why do I care,

or notice that everyone around cares

only enough to comment, but not enough to notice?

Since when am I pajama/bathrobe sad?

Since when did I become so public?

Since when Did I become so puzzling and sorry for being puzzling?

Since when do I want so badly to do the ‘good job’ rather than the ‘hard and honest’ one?

Isn’t pajama/bathrobe what I wanted? Isn’t the quivering exhausting?—

The not writing...

The applying to jobs I don’t want.

The sleeping too much

The: “ I can’t take my meds because then I’ll smoke and who TF am I if I actually allow myself

to be disappointing?”

The exhaustion is exhausting.

Trying to be good is pajama/bathrobe sad.

And— if I were really being honest (which I just decided that I am),

I’d rather be Keeping up with the Kardashians than trembling at what my mouth may do next. My poor mouth,

My loud, crooked, witty, smart, mouth.

Pouty, full lips of Whiskey-Thieving-Spend-Thrift of a mouth, that only ever wants to kiss every

face and tell them they’re doing a good job.

“I see you working hard I’m proud of you”

(I am proud of you. (I’ve never stopped being proud of you)).

Since when did I stop it?

Since when did “Love is Not Constantly Wondering if You’re Making the Worst Mistake of Your

Life” turn in to:

‘Please’s and ‘Thanks You’s and—

I’m sorry to interrupt.

Please forgive my of my reach (for having arms).

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Nicolina Schonfarber is a writer and artist dedicated to plight of identity within the facets of social, cultural, and economic levels of existence. Being the first in her family to pursue higher academia, Nico earned her BFA from Hartwick College in 2014, going on to attend Ithaca College's Image Text MFA program; joining the inaugural graduating class in 2018. Most recently she co-founded Puzzazz Magazine, a quarterly publication where she works as a contributing editor. Nico's work aims to build a table where her working-class upbringings and the scholarly community- of which they are presented- may converse together as equals.