Fill or be filled - Charlie Brook

I spend a lot of time trying not to be the kind of girl who needs you

To become the traits that I see in other women, traits that I despise

I don’t want to judge those women I just don’t want to be one

Even though I am

I mean, we all are

It bums me out

That as much as I tell myself - you do not have to be the kind of girl who needs him

It’s not really up to me

It’s true, I don’t need you in my life

I can live without you, I have

And yet I’ll waste my time convincing you and everyone else that I can’t

Or is it the other way around

Why is it so much easier for you to convince the world that you don’t need me

While I’m living within a constant, nonconsensual debate

You need him so don’t let him go

But empower yourself because you’re all you have

However, keep him and you’ll feel whole

I would like to believe that I can be whole on my own

But is it possible in a world that doesn’t want me to be whole without you

And why do you get to be whole with or without me

While I - just a bone from your rib cage - am only made whole by your wholeness

As the story goes

I’m afraid of the part of me that’s been programmed with the traits of ‘woman’ The woman that’s meant to be willing to do anything Who will wipe her identity, consume yours Who will do ‘crazy’ things to ensure that you stay

Who lives to fill the role of rib - supporting you

I can say to myself, that isn’t me

But would it matter anyway

If that’s how we describe women

And that’s what I am

Is it my choice?

When the world waits at the ready to tell me what I am

Dramatic, dependent, insane

Or if not that - then alone

And undeserving for choosing that

I want my decision to be with you

To remain independent from the fear of being alone - mine or anyone else’s

I want the me I am with you to be as full as the me without you

But first a woman needs to be seen as full

On her own

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Charlie Brook is a half-Filipina, half-British writer raised in the United States. When given the choice, she likes her work to surround the topic of intersectional feminism and how it comes up in personal relationships. But she doesn't always have a choice and so also works professionally writing within various industries as a freelancer. As a mixed race person, she's endlessly interested in culture and how it informs our personal experiences. In her spare time, she dedicates her energy to her blog and podcast, Her Me Out.