Shame - Yvette G Santana

Shame comes in various forms but ironically is held between the midst of two forearms .

Two levels of right and wrong , well left and right , heart versus brain . Intellect vs emotions . Reality versus perception. Accountability versus blame . Well, all in all I guess shame is one hell of a mystery isn’t it ?

Or is the mystery deciding whether or not to be shameful with your past , present or future?

My past tells me to feel shame how a baby feels tears are

the solution of communication.

My present tells me shame is to be swallowed like a pill that sits on your throat just how a monk sits on a mountain.

My future tells me this shame will turn into resolved accountability for learning who I am , where I want to be and who I will become .

So I guess my saying would be :

Dear shame ,

I feel you in my heart , I hear you in my mind , I see you in my reflection . I embrace your existence for what it is , but for the love of God would you teach me rather than taunt me? Would you guide me rather than fight me ? Would you practice patience the same as how God expresses love to be .

Because ultimately I’ve fallen in love with shaming myself , blaming myself .

I guess that’s the first step into change , admit the shit thats wrong

full throttle , no break pedal ,

no tape over the mouth that attempts to speak truth .

So here it is :

My shame is blamed to the mistakes I’ve made , the lies I’ve told , the women I’ve hurt,

the hearts I’ve buried further than just 10 feet beneath the

10 toes that have stomped on them,

the ex I should have loved better in highschool ,

the women I’ve used for filing my own void ,

the therapist I never saw again , the sister who used to be my best friend ,

the brother I wish I could hug more than once a month ,

the cousin I have seen fight his

demons harder than he fought his own father , the aunt who sits with God on days she can’t bear to sit

with herself at the dinner table ,

the father I see living to learn from past regrets ,

the sisters I should call more often,

the mother I want to get out of the hood and finally to the woman I see in the broken cracks of my reflection .

We will make it .

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Yvette G Santana is a Lantinx spoken word artist from the South Bronx NYC. She is a mental health advocate who creates awareness of mental health through poetry and art. She is also the owner of the I AM NOT CRAZY MOVEMENT. Her mission is to break stigmas of mental health and mental illness.